Lessons From The Land

Yesterday was our work day in the garden. It was a glorious, sunny spring day, with the willow trees along the watercourse, first to awaken from their winter slumber, gently shaking their new cloaks of green. Over these past few years of working on the land, I’ve learnt to pace myself and take care of my body, so we decided to start with the tough work and gradually ease off through the day. So, the morning was spent raking up more of the glorious bracken mulch (I still can’t stop smiling about this!), followed by weeding (and mulching of course) some more of the garlic patch, finishing off with planting some seeds into seed-trays for the cold-frame.

I am tentatively moving towards working with the biodynamic calendar, which follows the astrological patterns of the planets to determine whether to work with the flower, leaf, fruit or root part of plants when gardening. I am openly curious and, as always for me, the proof is in the pudding. My friend, Cat, is a biodynamic gardener with a beautiful, productive garden, and gently encourages and inspires me to step more into this intriguing world, devised by the incredible being, Rudolf Steiner, who dropped in on planet Earth from some future time-line, it always seems to me. Anyhow, today was a ‘flower’ day in the calendar, so we planted seed trays full of different flowers, flowering herbs and broccoli and cauliflower, both of which count as flowers because we eat the dense flower-head before it’s blossomed. In fact, this year feels like ‘the year of the flowers’ for me – I am determined to have my veggie gardens teeming with insects flitting through a tapestry of glorious colour. Certain flowers in particular, like marigold, borage and coriander, make great companion plants for the beds, drawing insects away from the vegetables, plus flowers are fantastic for biodiversity and, of course, they are beautiful and naturally uplifting – win, win,win…

So, what lessons did I receive from the land today? Well, as often seems to happen, when Amy and I are kneeling together in the garden, getting our knees and hands grubby in the soil, there’s something magical that happens. The land seems to hold us and create a bubble of safety that directs the conversation in a certain direction. I found myself giving voice to a wounded inner child part of myself that rarely gets to see the light of day. You know, we all have those parts of us that we are ashamed of, so we stuff them deep down within us and shush them up all the time. These are the parts of myself I’m not proud of, but I betray myself by not allowing them their space and voice. I’ve learnt to sit with these parts of me companionably, in meditation. But rarely do I allow myself to speak them to another human. Anyhow, for some reason, today I did. It just seemed to rise up from within me and, for once, I wasn’t able to stuff it back down. It was the part of me that still needs external validation, that wants to be truly seen and valued, for all that I am and that I give, and that gets pissed off when I don’t feel valued or seen. I know, it’s a wounded part that comes from the place within me where I still don’t think I’m good enough, or value myself. I’m pretty sure we all have this part lurking within us somewhere, living in this world of traumatised beings that we live in. But, regardless, it’s there for a reason, it has kept me safe and helped me protect myself through my life.

But, these days, I am feeling the tendrils of an old me, living in trauma survival mode, gradually unwinding. My soul is ready to be free of these patterns now – I bless them for how they have helped me in the past, but now they are holding me back from living my truth. So, there’s an internal conflict between the rising soul and the angry ego, who doesn’t want to let go of these patterns, with which I’ve entangled my identity for so long. It’s pretty confusing in there right now.

But today, kneeling amidst the garlic, and being received so gracefully by Amy, I felt a permission slip to express these tendrils, and some kind of resultant relief, like easing the pressure in a pressure cooker. Perhaps speaking them to another being and feeling their contracted vibration jostle with the soft spring air is a way to help them unwind and leave my being. I hope so.

Much of my confusion is around how to make money in the world (which I do by teaching yoga and, of old, working as a professional ecologist) whilst remaining soul-aligned and and how to value my worth amidst all of that. The more I live closely attuned to nature, the more I cannot be anything but in full alignment with what is natural and authentic within me, and I am asking to keep softening into the underlying wounds within me of low self-worth, to release these at their core, so that I can just be real; just be totally, utterly me, and for that to be more than enough. I know that is all that nature wants for each of us; to express our true self, without fear, in joy.

Thank you garlic, thank you Amy, for this space I was blessed with yesterday.